Questions from Surveys -PVCC-MCC-Premier High School

Our sincerest apologies that we are just now answering some questions from the surveys. The good news is that we have been so busy with presentations and exhibit tables we have had to table answering questions until now. So Thank You for your patience and understanding....

So lets get on with the questions:

How long did it take you to get the law passed? The passing of Kaity's Law was a team effort started by the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence (AZCADV) and former Senator Jonathan Paton. Bobbi Sudberry, on a personal level, was brought in to share Kaity's Story in an effort to help the committee realize the need for such a law due to the tragedy her family faced. The AZCADV had tried for a few years to get this law passed.

If a bill is not met with opposition and passes through both parties it is a matter of months. Unfortunately, this law met with opposition and it took years and the loss of a beautiful life to get it passed.

When will your next presentation be? We schedule presentations all the time at various venues around the state. Some are open to the public. We are hoping to work with certain businesses this next year to provide presentations to the general public. We will be sure to mention when a presentation is open to the public on our Current Events page. Please check our website www.kaitysway.org/events for a current listing of scheduled presentations.

How did you move on from this? I am not so sure that we have moved on from the loss of Kaity, but we have come to terms with our loss. Creating Kaity's Way in her honor has helped with this. We also have a certain belief and faith that allows us some peace of mind.

Do you still have any resentment towards Daniel? No, he was forgiven long ago. Anger and resentment is exhausting and robs a person of too much energy. Instead we put all our energy into something good, Kaity's Way!

Faith House Visit

On September 13, 2011 Kaity's Way visited Faith House once again to share Kaity's Story with the residents. This was an adult group of women that have exited an abusive relationship and are doing what they can to get their lives back on track for them and their children. Keep on steppin ladies because your are going to make it! Kudo's to you for making that difficult and all important first step to a life of No More abuse.

100% of the Faith House residents that heard Kaity's Story this time believe that it would be helpful if more adults were educated about Teen Dating Violence and believe they would recognize the signs of a violent teen dating relationship.

There was also one question..... Howe did we start your non-profit organization..... with lots of Passion and we used the Book "How to form a Non Profit Corporation" published by Nolo's.... this book is worth its weight in gold if you are wanting to start a non profit.

Peoria Accelerated HS 090611

Kaity's Way was invited back to Peoria Accelerated HS, Peoria, Az to share Kaity's Story with Ms. Lozano's Character Education class. Kaity's Story kicked off the Relationship section of the lesson plan for her class.

The students were very respectful and patient throughout the presentation. They had some good questions also. The surveys did not have any questions to answer in the blog, but we would like to share some of their intellectual comments.....

Some answers to the question, "What message(s), if any, did you receive from Kaity's Story?

"Take action before anything happens"

"To be aware of how people act while dating etc."

"It pays to just say something"

"Be careful in your relationships"

"Know the signs of abuse"

"Watch out for the red flags"

"Violence is wrong"

"Don't think you can fix everything"

Then there was this independent comment that is encouraging "Know you informed me a lot on what I didn't know"

Kudos to the students of PAHS! You get it! Soooooooooooo exercise P.E.A.C.E. in your relationships, Take Care and Be Safe! Go Bulldogs!

Peoria Unified School District Counselors

A big Thank You to Genna Laird of the Peoria Unified School District for having Kaity's Way out to share Kaity's Story with several PUSD Counselors. While there were a lot of great questions asked at the end of the presentation there were a few asked on the surveys that we will try to answer below.

How did he find Kaity the day she was killed? What arrangements had been made for her to have transportation home? Kaity had a ride home from school, but when school let out her ride had a few things to take care of before they could leave. Kaity decided to walk on home. Best that we can put together is he was waiting for her at a house right across the street from our home.

Was any attempt made to talk to his mother? did you ever contact his parents? We did not make any attempt to speak with his family. We are not sure if law enforcement or if the school had either.

When it happened at school, How did security or administration respond? If you are asking about the two times he assaulted her at school, our understanding is that school personnel, after Kaity had gone to the office to report the incidents, found him and took him to the office. They then contacted law enforcement each time and implemented a 5 day suspension after the first incident and expelled him after the second incident.

What protections are there under the law involving telephone harassment? The statute with regards to harassment including cyber is 13-2921. What is done when law enforcement is called out varies based on the situation.

Questions from CASA of Cochise County Presentation.....

Thank you CASA of Cochise county for allowing us to share Kaity's Story.....

There was a question during the presentation that I needed to look into. That question had to do with Kaity's Law. If a juvenile is convicted for a 3rd time and it is a felony, does it go away once they turn 18 years old? I checked with the Arizona Coalition of Domestic Violence on this and the answer is as follows:
It would all depend on if the individual was charged the three times as a juvenile or an adult on any of the previous or 3rd (or subsequent charge). If the individual was charged as an adult, those would not be expunged from their record. Only crimes charged in juvenile court have the ability of being “sealed or expunged” from his record. If you are a minor (in AZ any person over the age of 8 can be charged as an adult) and charged as an adult then it will stay on the record.

What should I do if I'm the victim, but I have a child with the person? Seek help from your local resources, such as Victim Witness the number to the Cochise County office is (520) 432 8700. You can also look into Domestic Violence Counseling. In Sierra Vista you would call (520) 458 3932.

Usually when the person threatens to kill themselves it doesn't happen, Why did it happen now? Only Daniel can answer that

How does any organization go about setting up a training in Cochise County - Benson High School? If you would like Kaity's Way involved it only requires a phone call or email. We can be contacted at (602) 740 2734 or kw08@kaitysway.org. Otherwise, you could probably find some great information on line or contact CASA of Cochise county to find out how they organized their presentation.

How would you help a child of your own that is angry and have exhausted all known avenues? This is a difficult question to answer without knowing what avenues have been exhausted.

Was their relationship sexual or did it include sexual behaviors? Yes

Where did Daniel get the gun? We are not sure where Daniel got the shotgun, but we were told that he had access to guns.

Questions from Desert Shadows Middle School Nogales Az

Earlier this month, May 6th.... Bobbi Sudberry shared Kaity's Story with 330 students of Desert Shadows Middle School of Nogales Arizona. It was the students of Ms. Coopers class that arranged for this presentation to take place for their fellow students. Judge Maley works with these students and supported the effort on various levels. Hats off to the students of Ms. Coopers class, Ms. Cooper, Judge Maley and Principal Joan Molera for addressing a prevalent issue in a proactive way.

Several of the students had questions they had asked on the survey they filled out. Below are the questions and the answers.

Why did he kill her? This is a question that only Daniel can answer

How can someone cope with the loss of a daughter? It is not easy. There were times when I just wanted to literally curl up and die. Also, for a long time it felt like a really bad nightmare that you can’t seem to wake up from. Believe it or not Kaity’s Way is helpful in dealing with the loss. It is very therapeutic for me to be able to talk about her.

If you could go back to the day of her murder, what would you change? I would erase the day if I could, but my first thought is that I would have sent Kaity far far away to New Hampshire.

How is your family doing with Kaity's loss? We are coping one day at a time and are doing as well as anyone could expect. We are all dealing with it in our own way. This is one void that can never be filled.

What did she like to do most? She like to do many things, it is hard to say what she enjoyed the most as I believe she enjoyed things to the fullest.

How did the family of Daniel deal with issue of his relationship with Kaity? We do not know

Why did Kaity get from school early, the day she was killed? She only had 3 classes, so she got out of school daily at noon.

What questions did the detectives ask you? I do not recall the exact answers, but I do recall explaining the situation between Kaity and Daniel to them. I also believe they asked me what time she was due home.

Is Kaity's Law a State law only? Yes, Kaity's Law is specific to Arizona only, but there are 43 other states in the union that have similar laws. To see what the laws are in the other states you can go to http://www.breakthecycle.org/content/teen-dating-violence-state-law-report-cards.

Where did Kaity and Daniel meet? In school

Where was she shot? in our neighbors yard

What happened to the guy after she died? He committed suicide

I'm in my first relationship and I want to know what can I do as soon as I see change in my partner? First realize that you are not responsible or to blame for any ones behavior. Also, know that you deserve to always be treated with respect. Try to speak with an adult about your concerns. That could be a parent, aunt, uncle, older sibling, cousin, counselor, teacher, coach, religious leader. They should be able to point you in the right direction. There is also information on our website www.kaitysway.org and links to other resources that you can look into to get help.

Why didn't the cops do anything? I do not know and would rather not speculate or assume anything.

Why didn't she leave him at the beginning? Because he was not being mean to her. He was being very nice and eventually she fell in love with him.

What would have done if she didn't die? We would have been very Thankful.

Where do we live? Northwest part of Phoenix Arizona

What happened to Daniels mom? No idea...

How did he kill her? With a shot gun

Peoria Accelerated High School Presentation

On May 5th, Bobbi Sudberry from Kaity's Way had the pleasure of sharing Kaity's Story with the students of Peoria Accelerated High School. 17 of the 20 students completed a survey and the results are:

100% of the students believe they would recognized the warning sings of abuse in a relationship since hearing Kaity's Story.

82% believe they have known or know someone in an abusive relationship

18% believe they are in an abusive relationship

100% believe it would benefit teenagers to have Kaity's Story presented in the school systems and/or with youth organizations

Who would they go to if they found themselves in an abusive relationship?
Parents 53%, 5% Teacher/Coach, 59% Friend, 12% Counselor, 0% Religious leader, 18% Other

88% believe it would be helpful for teenagers if more adults were educated about teen dating violence

100% believe Kaity's Story was appropriate considering the subject matter

88% would share Kaity's Story with someone they believe might be in an abusive relationship.

Kudos to Ms. Lozano for providing these students with the necessary tools to identify an abusive/violent relationship as well as what as help them understand what goes into having a Healthy Relationship.....

There was one question and that was "how old was she?" She was 17 years old....

Questions from the students of Douglas High School

Thank you for your patience. Of the 985 surveys completed by the students of DHS there were 75 students that asked questions. Some were duplicates, but there were many more original questions. Bobbi Sudberry left Douglas feeling as if she had gained so much from presenting at DHS and wishes the best for the community of Douglas. She enjoyed her time in Douglas and looks forward to going back.

Why didn’t you try to sit Daniel down and talk about the situation? There were two occasions that Daniel was invited to speak with us about the situation. The first occasion was when Kaity was still seeing him, which he refused. The second occasion was after they stopped seeing each other. Bobbi tried to speak with Daniel and he was very disrespectful and belligerent towards her. It wasn’t for a lack of trying.

What happened to Daniel? He committed suicide after killing Kaity.

How can someone cope with the loss of a daughter? It is not easy. There were times when I just wanted to literally curl up and die. Also, for a long time it felt like a really bad nightmare that you can’t seem to wake up from. Believe it or not Kaity’s Way is helpful in dealing with the loss. It is very therapeutic for me to be able to talk about her.

Did he ever hit her? Not that we know of for sure, but Mooki, her younger sister reported seeing bruises on Kaity’s back. When we asked Kaity’s about them they just said she didn’t know how she got them. Also, after they had broken up, when she tried to return the presents he had bought her to him, there was an altercation where he was pulling her hair. That Kaity did tell me directly, so he did get physical with her.
What happened to Daniel’s parents? We have no idea.

What was their (Daniel’s Parents) reaction? We do not know.

Did you ever talk with Daniel’s mom? No, we never met anyone in Daniel’s family.

Where were Daniel’s parents during all of this? We have no idea.

Do you wish he would still be alive so that he could be punished? We have never thought in those terms. We believe that everything happens for a reason and him being punished could not bring Kaity back, as that would be the only outcome we would like if we could make a wish that would come true.

How long were Kaity and Daniel involved for? Approximately 1 year

Where did Daniel get a shotgun? We are not sure where Daniel got the shotgun, but we were told that he had access to guns.

What did Daniel’s parents do? We do not know.

Did Daniel do drugs? This question cannot be answered with certainty.

Why did Daniel move to Kaity’s school? We do not know of any other reason than the fact that they moved to the school district.

Why does Daniel have to take both of their lives? Only Daniel can answer this question.

Did Daniel’s parents ever find out about what he did to Kaity? Not sure.

Why didn’t you guys talk to Daniel’s parents? We did not have their contact information.

Why didn’t you move out of the place or take Daniel to court? Both are easier said than done.

Why do you think Daniel did this? Misguided, desperate, scared…. Not exactly sure, only Daniel knows for sure.

Why couldn’t the cops park outside Kaity’s house? You would have to ask law enforcement that question, but my guess would be that they do not have the man power to provide such a service.

Why weren’t Daniel’s parents notified of the incidents? We don’t know that they weren’t.

How did you feel when you found out he also killed himself? We were so sick over losing Kaity that I do not recall wondering about Daniel.

What do you feel should be done with people like Daniel? They should have to face the consequences according to the law.

What happened to Mooki? Mooki is finishing up high school and wanting to be a nurse. She also volunteers for Kaity’s Way.

How have you been dealing with your loss? One day at a time, counseling and telling Kaity’s Story.

Do you ever wonder if you could have prevented what happened? All the time. That is why we formed Kaity’s Way, to help others prevent this from happening to them.

Why didn’t you change the number sooner and more? If you are referring to her phone number, we did change it, but someone gave the new number to Daniel anyways. He killed her before we could change it again.

Why didn’t you pick Kaity up from school if you knew she was in danger? Kaity had a ride home arranged that day, but unfortunately the ride had some after school stuff to do and Kaity did not want to wait around.

Did you ever believe before the shooting the relationship was abusive? Yes, that is why we encouraged Kaity to stop seeing Daniel.

Did you fall into depression after Kaity’s death? We were never clinically diagnosed with depression, but we did seek out counseling that helped us deal with losing Kaity.

Were you able to see Kaity after the tragedy? No, not until the funeral.

Is it really difficult for you to speak about this or constantly retell this story? Each time is different, but there are moments when it is harder to speak than others. All in all, telling Kaity's Story is very therapeutic for me. I love to talk about her and re-live my memories of what a wonderful person she was. It is also important to me that people to remember her. Sharing her story accomplishes both.

When did you find her journal? What did it say? I am not sure who found her journal, but it said a lot about her and Daniels relationship, as well as her family and friends.

Why was it not your first priority to stop Daniel? I am sorry if you felt that after the presentation it was not our first priority to stop Daniel. We believe we did everything legally possible to stop Daniel.

How did your husband and Mooki cope within at least the last year after her death? They coped as well as anyone could expect, but in their own ways.

If you would’ve done something the day before what would you do? Send Kaity far far away to New Hampshire.

How many schools have you spoken to? 11 between high schools and community colleges, but we speak at some of them every semester.

Did you care that Kaity wasn’t a blood child from you? No, I love Kaity and her brother every bit as much as I love my biological children. They are children that depended upon me and their other parents to guide them through life. There are lots of parents out there that have adopted children that were orphaned and love them every bit as much as a parent that gave birth to their own child.

How did you have so much courage to present this? I don’t know about the courage part, but the need of the community outweighs any fear I might have to do this.

What can we do to help stop this? First off you can learn what a healthy relationship is, then lead by example. You could also, look into creating a club or school organization to promote positive peer pressure. Another thing you could do is promote a campaign for February, since it is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness month.

How do you help a victim if they do not what to be helped? You can speak with an adult about what you see happening and seek their advice.

How do you keep yourself safe, Do you just not date or how do you pick a good guy? A good guy is going to respect you as an individual and lift you up as a person. A good guy will not put you down, instead they will tell you what a great person you are either verbally or in their actions. Have your parent or guardian meet the person you are dating and their family.

What should I do, my GF beats me? Go to an adult and explain to them what has been happening and ask for their assistance to help you end the relationship. Counseling may be in order also.

Who do you suggest we talk to if we are in an abusive relationship? An adult would be your best choice. That could be a parent, aunt, uncle, teacher, coach, counselor, religious leader, law enforcement.

What is the first sign of an abusive relationship and what do you do? The first sign could be any number of things, but the first sign of the relationship between Kaity and Daniel being abusive was his need to be in contact with her 24/7. A lot of times this behavior is mistaken for the abuser caring about the victim instead of what it really is, which is the need for the abuser to control the victim.

How many sunflowers are around? A new crop is just starting, so only a few right now.

Where was Kaity’s care the day she went back to school? It was not safe to drive, because it had been in an accident that had messed up the front end and the radiator was in need of repair.

How many people have been protected by Kaity’s Way? I do not have an exact number, but some people are working on how to gather that data. I have heard from prosecutors from various counties that there are many people that have been protected by Kaity’s Law.

How long did it take to pass Kaity’s Law? From what I understand the law had been presented for a few years prior to 2009’s legislative season. So at least a couple of years.

Would you have gotten to the extend of moving your daughter and family from the city? That would have depended on many things.

What sports did she do? Basketball, soccer and she liked football.

Was it after the incident that you were informed about Dating Violence? Yes

How were Kaity’s actions during the time she was being abused? She had become even more quieter and to herself.

Why didn’t Kaity tell her parents about Daniel hitting her? She did tell us of one instance when she tried to return his stuff to him after breaking up with him.

What lead her to continue to fall for Daniels tricks? She wanted to believe he would change or go back to the nice guy she had met in the beginning.

Did Kaity tell you that Daniel threaten to kill her? No, the Phoenix Police officer did.

Why didn’t someone go to school with her to make sure she was safe?
Why didn’t you prevent her from going to school?
Why didn’t you tell her not to walk alone after school?
Hindsight is 20/20. Knowing what we know now is why we do what we do.

Questions from Nogales.....

First off I apologize for the delay in posting these questions.... There were 424 surveys in total and I had some work to do with them for this last Kaity's Korner issue.... There were also quite a few questions to answer.... Thanks goes out to the Students and Administrators of Nogales High School for their hospitality and completing these surveys.... Why did Kaity go back with him? It was because she cared about him and did not want him to hurt himself. She also seemed to believe that she could make things better for him. What Kaity didn’t understand is that it was up to Daniel to make things better for himself, not her. What do you feel when you tell this story to others and How does it feel like t tell your story to other people? Sadness mostly, but when I have the time to explain the fun her and I had together I feel her with me and that is comforting. How old was she? 17 Did he ever hit her? Not that we know of for sure, but Mooki, her younger sister reported seeing bruises on Kaity’s back. When we asked Kaity’s about them they just said she didn’t know how she got them. Also, after they had broken up, when she tried to return the presents he had bought her to him, there was an altercation where he was pulling her hair. That Kaity did tell me directly, so he did get physical with her. How can someone cope with the loss of a daughter? It is not easy. There were times when I just wanted to literally curl up and die. Also, for a long time it felt like a really bad nightmare that you can’t seem to wake up from. Believe it or not Kaity’s Way is helpful in dealing with the loss. It is very therapeutic for me to be able to talk about her. Has it gotten any easier? I cannot honestly say that it has. This last year was 3 years and it felt like it had just happened. The saying, Time heals all wounds, does not apply to losing a child. Why didn’t you put a restraining order on the boy? We tried, but due to the laws at the time we were not granted a restraining order. All we could get was an Injunction Against Harassment, which we did settle for. We thought something was better than nothing. What other attitudes did you see in the man? If you are speaking of Daniel he was still a minor, 17 years old also. Besides being verbally abusive and burning a bandana on our carport, not much else did we see. Once we banned him from the house we did not see him very often and when we did, we didn’t speak to him. He usually would not look at us. How is it that you are so strong enough to tell this story so many times? My strength comes from my Spiritual Faith. Telling Kaity's Story is very therapeutic for me. I love to talk about her and re-live my memories of what a wonderful person she was. It is also important to me that people to remember her. Sharing her story accomplishes both. Did you ever speak to the parents of the boy? No, not before or after. If the guy threatened your daughter that he was gonna kill her why didn’t you make a report? We did make a report, as a matter of fact the two times he assaulted her, the police were called and took a report, then when he threatened to kill her, we made a report by obtaining an Injunction Against Harassment. Why didn’t you tell the police about the guardian that was in jail? We did not know that his guardian was in jail until after the he killed our daughter. Why did you think it took so long for the police to do something about Kaity? I do not know and would rather not speculate or assume anything. Did Kaity really like Daniel? She believed she loved him. Why couldn’t Kaity’s get the situation? I am not sure what is being asked here. Why would Kaity allow her boyfriend to invade over her sisters privacy, shouldn’t that have been enough to leave him? We don’t know that she allowed it. That is why we encouraged her to leave him, but apparently she forgave him a lot. Why did the judge say no to the order of protection? Because at the time the law stated that you had to be married or formerly married to the abuser, living with or formerly living with the abuser, pregnant by the abuser or blood related. Since they were only dating and she wasn’t pregnant, the situation did not fit the guidelines for an order of protection. Do you regret sending Kaity’s to school? We did not send Kaity to school. We regret the whole day even happened. Are you now more protective with your children? Our children are all adults now, but yes there are times that I may relay certain feelings of caution and concern on to my children when they mention certain issues.

Answer to Questions from Ajo

1. Does Kaity's Law only have to do with teenagers or can adults get charged with it? Kaity's law protects everyone in the state of Arizona in a dating relationship, adult or minor.

2. What if I think one of my friends is in a violent relationship, do I ask her? Consider talking with an adult regarding your concerns. How you approach this depends on what type of friends you are. You might try just telling your friend Kaity's Story or showing them the website so they can read the summary of Kaity's Story. Afterwards you can then try to engage them in a discussion about teen dating violence. If your friend does start to talk about their relationship just listen without judgement. Watch your body language and don't roll your eyes. Also, do not talk bad about the person that is the abuser. This often times causes the victim to go to their defense. If your friend does decide to end the relationship it is very important that a safety plan is put into place as once someone leaves a violent relationship it becomes 75% more dangerous for them. They also need to keep to the safety plan for an extended period of time, like 2 years.

3. Can we help with the next fundraiser/presentation? Absolutely! We will take all the help we can get. If you have not already please go to the contact us page of our website http://www.kaitysway.org/contact.html and fill out the volunteer application. This will get you on our volunteer distribution list and you will receive periodic emails about Volunteer Opportunities.

Answered Questions from Dignity Diversion group January 25, 2011

1. Are there laws in other states like Kaity's Law? Yes there is. The quickest way to find out what kind of laws your state has in effect go to: http://www.breakthecycle.org/content/teen-dating-violence-state-law-report-cards

2. What is your power source? My power source comes from my Spiritual Faith. Telling Kaity's Story is very therapuetic for me. I love to talk about her and re-live my memories of what a wonderful person she was. It is also important to me that people to remember her. Sharing her story accomplishes both.

Answers for Questions on the Surveys

Each time Kaity's Story is told the attendees are asked to fill out a survey. There are two reasons for this. The first reason being that we want to make sure that when we are sharing Kaity's Story we are doing the best job possible. The second reason has to do with having a way to measure the impact we are having on the community for grant writing purposes. For the most part each survey requires yes or no answers or to rate us on our delivery. There is one area on the survey that asks "Do you have any questions for the Speaker or about Kaity's Story?" This question is for those that do not feel comfortable speaking out in a large crowd. Since these surveys are filled out anonimously, we are unsure of who to contact to provide an answer. This is why we came up with the idea to utilize this Blog to answer those questions.

Our goal is to have the answers on this blog within a week after speaking. This is new process so we sincerely appreciate your patience as we work this out.

We will begin by answering the questions we received when we were in Holbrook on the 11th & 12 of this month.

1. What happened to Daniel? He committed suicide after killing Kaity

2. Who found them? Our neighbors Sam and Jerry, who were like grandparents to our children.

3. Why did Daniel want to kill Kaity even if she doesn't want to be with him? This is a question that only Daniel can truly answer.

4. Why didn't you keep Kaity away from Daniel, like ban her from him? Because we could not be with Kaity's 24 hours a day 7 days a week the most we could do was encourage her to leave the relationship and support her as she did. Which she did leave the relationship. What we did not know is that when a person leaves a violent relationship it is much more dangerous for them and a creating a safety plan and sticking with it for several months if not a couple of years is so necessary.

5. How long ago did it happen? January 28th of this year will be 3 years since we lost Kaity.