Friday, April 29, 2011

Questions from the students of Douglas High School

Thank you for your patience. Of the 985 surveys completed by the students of DHS there were 75 students that asked questions. Some were duplicates, but there were many more original questions. Bobbi Sudberry left Douglas feeling as if she had gained so much from presenting at DHS and wishes the best for the community of Douglas. She enjoyed her time in Douglas and looks forward to going back.

Why didn’t you try to sit Daniel down and talk about the situation? There were two occasions that Daniel was invited to speak with us about the situation. The first occasion was when Kaity was still seeing him, which he refused. The second occasion was after they stopped seeing each other. Bobbi tried to speak with Daniel and he was very disrespectful and belligerent towards her. It wasn’t for a lack of trying.

What happened to Daniel? He committed suicide after killing Kaity.

How can someone cope with the loss of a daughter? It is not easy. There were times when I just wanted to literally curl up and die. Also, for a long time it felt like a really bad nightmare that you can’t seem to wake up from. Believe it or not Kaity’s Way is helpful in dealing with the loss. It is very therapeutic for me to be able to talk about her.

Did he ever hit her? Not that we know of for sure, but Mooki, her younger sister reported seeing bruises on Kaity’s back. When we asked Kaity’s about them they just said she didn’t know how she got them. Also, after they had broken up, when she tried to return the presents he had bought her to him, there was an altercation where he was pulling her hair. That Kaity did tell me directly, so he did get physical with her.
What happened to Daniel’s parents? We have no idea.

What was their (Daniel’s Parents) reaction? We do not know.

Did you ever talk with Daniel’s mom? No, we never met anyone in Daniel’s family.

Where were Daniel’s parents during all of this? We have no idea.

Do you wish he would still be alive so that he could be punished? We have never thought in those terms. We believe that everything happens for a reason and him being punished could not bring Kaity back, as that would be the only outcome we would like if we could make a wish that would come true.

How long were Kaity and Daniel involved for? Approximately 1 year

Where did Daniel get a shotgun? We are not sure where Daniel got the shotgun, but we were told that he had access to guns.

What did Daniel’s parents do? We do not know.

Did Daniel do drugs? This question cannot be answered with certainty.

Why did Daniel move to Kaity’s school? We do not know of any other reason than the fact that they moved to the school district.

Why does Daniel have to take both of their lives? Only Daniel can answer this question.

Did Daniel’s parents ever find out about what he did to Kaity? Not sure.

Why didn’t you guys talk to Daniel’s parents? We did not have their contact information.

Why didn’t you move out of the place or take Daniel to court? Both are easier said than done.

Why do you think Daniel did this? Misguided, desperate, scared…. Not exactly sure, only Daniel knows for sure.

Why couldn’t the cops park outside Kaity’s house? You would have to ask law enforcement that question, but my guess would be that they do not have the man power to provide such a service.

Why weren’t Daniel’s parents notified of the incidents? We don’t know that they weren’t.

How did you feel when you found out he also killed himself? We were so sick over losing Kaity that I do not recall wondering about Daniel.

What do you feel should be done with people like Daniel? They should have to face the consequences according to the law.

What happened to Mooki? Mooki is finishing up high school and wanting to be a nurse. She also volunteers for Kaity’s Way.

How have you been dealing with your loss? One day at a time, counseling and telling Kaity’s Story.

Do you ever wonder if you could have prevented what happened? All the time. That is why we formed Kaity’s Way, to help others prevent this from happening to them.

Why didn’t you change the number sooner and more? If you are referring to her phone number, we did change it, but someone gave the new number to Daniel anyways. He killed her before we could change it again.

Why didn’t you pick Kaity up from school if you knew she was in danger? Kaity had a ride home arranged that day, but unfortunately the ride had some after school stuff to do and Kaity did not want to wait around.

Did you ever believe before the shooting the relationship was abusive? Yes, that is why we encouraged Kaity to stop seeing Daniel.

Did you fall into depression after Kaity’s death? We were never clinically diagnosed with depression, but we did seek out counseling that helped us deal with losing Kaity.

Were you able to see Kaity after the tragedy? No, not until the funeral.

Is it really difficult for you to speak about this or constantly retell this story? Each time is different, but there are moments when it is harder to speak than others. All in all, telling Kaity's Story is very therapeutic for me. I love to talk about her and re-live my memories of what a wonderful person she was. It is also important to me that people to remember her. Sharing her story accomplishes both.

When did you find her journal? What did it say? I am not sure who found her journal, but it said a lot about her and Daniels relationship, as well as her family and friends.

Why was it not your first priority to stop Daniel? I am sorry if you felt that after the presentation it was not our first priority to stop Daniel. We believe we did everything legally possible to stop Daniel.

How did your husband and Mooki cope within at least the last year after her death? They coped as well as anyone could expect, but in their own ways.

If you would’ve done something the day before what would you do? Send Kaity far far away to New Hampshire.

How many schools have you spoken to? 11 between high schools and community colleges, but we speak at some of them every semester.

Did you care that Kaity wasn’t a blood child from you? No, I love Kaity and her brother every bit as much as I love my biological children. They are children that depended upon me and their other parents to guide them through life. There are lots of parents out there that have adopted children that were orphaned and love them every bit as much as a parent that gave birth to their own child.

How did you have so much courage to present this? I don’t know about the courage part, but the need of the community outweighs any fear I might have to do this.

What can we do to help stop this? First off you can learn what a healthy relationship is, then lead by example. You could also, look into creating a club or school organization to promote positive peer pressure. Another thing you could do is promote a campaign for February, since it is National Teen Dating Violence Awareness month.

How do you help a victim if they do not what to be helped? You can speak with an adult about what you see happening and seek their advice.

How do you keep yourself safe, Do you just not date or how do you pick a good guy? A good guy is going to respect you as an individual and lift you up as a person. A good guy will not put you down, instead they will tell you what a great person you are either verbally or in their actions. Have your parent or guardian meet the person you are dating and their family.

What should I do, my GF beats me? Go to an adult and explain to them what has been happening and ask for their assistance to help you end the relationship. Counseling may be in order also.

Who do you suggest we talk to if we are in an abusive relationship? An adult would be your best choice. That could be a parent, aunt, uncle, teacher, coach, counselor, religious leader, law enforcement.

What is the first sign of an abusive relationship and what do you do? The first sign could be any number of things, but the first sign of the relationship between Kaity and Daniel being abusive was his need to be in contact with her 24/7. A lot of times this behavior is mistaken for the abuser caring about the victim instead of what it really is, which is the need for the abuser to control the victim.

How many sunflowers are around? A new crop is just starting, so only a few right now.

Where was Kaity’s care the day she went back to school? It was not safe to drive, because it had been in an accident that had messed up the front end and the radiator was in need of repair.

How many people have been protected by Kaity’s Way? I do not have an exact number, but some people are working on how to gather that data. I have heard from prosecutors from various counties that there are many people that have been protected by Kaity’s Law.

How long did it take to pass Kaity’s Law? From what I understand the law had been presented for a few years prior to 2009’s legislative season. So at least a couple of years.

Would you have gotten to the extend of moving your daughter and family from the city? That would have depended on many things.

What sports did she do? Basketball, soccer and she liked football.

Was it after the incident that you were informed about Dating Violence? Yes

How were Kaity’s actions during the time she was being abused? She had become even more quieter and to herself.

Why didn’t Kaity tell her parents about Daniel hitting her? She did tell us of one instance when she tried to return his stuff to him after breaking up with him.

What lead her to continue to fall for Daniels tricks? She wanted to believe he would change or go back to the nice guy she had met in the beginning.

Did Kaity tell you that Daniel threaten to kill her? No, the Phoenix Police officer did.

Why didn’t someone go to school with her to make sure she was safe?
Why didn’t you prevent her from going to school?
Why didn’t you tell her not to walk alone after school?
Hindsight is 20/20. Knowing what we know now is why we do what we do.

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Teen Dating Violence PSA by the GYC, Kaity's Way and Mesa PS TV99