Are You Being Emotionally Abused?
When
people talk about abuse in relationships our first natural assumption
might be to think of physical abuse. But unfortunately there are many other
types of abuse that, unlike physical violence, do not leave obvious
marks. Statistics reveal that 36% of women over 15 who took part in a
survey had experienced emotional abuse in a relationship and the
effects of this are are just as devastating to the victim as physical abuse. In
fact emotional health coach Maria Bogdanos suggests emotional abuse can be more
harmful as it undermines how we think about ourselves, making us define
ourselves by believing things that aren't true and ultimately damaging our self
esteem. Emotional abuse can be hard to define and because abusers are often
subtle in their ways of maintaining control, many victims might not even be
aware that they are even being abused. If you feel vulnerable or uncertain
about your relationship here are some things that you should ask yourself.
Do you
feel isolated?
Many
emotional abusers want you all to themselves. They do not want you to have a
life outside of the relationship and may try to stop you from seeing friends
and family, going out without them or even going to work. Because abusers crave
control over their victims, any sign of them having independence or support
networks worries them so they seek to isolate you from the outside world. It is
healthy for both of you to have time apart and pursue individual interests so
if you are 'punished' or made to feel guilty for having time away from your
partner then this should ring alarm bells.
Are you
afraid?
Fear
should not be part of a healthy relationship. If you feel intimidated in any
way by your partner then it is a clear sign that something is wrong. Sometimes
victims are afraid of violence or aggression but in other cases abusers may use
power tactics such as withholding affection or threatening to leave in order to
frighten and upset their partner. They may have unrealistic expectations that
you are punished for if you do not meet or they may try and blame you for
trivial, unreasonable things that they have contrived in their own mind. All of
this is designed to cause the sufferer anxiety; if you fear them then they are
able to control you.
Is your
partner an addict?
Not all
abusers are addicts, but Dr Howard Samuels does suggest that many abusive relationships
are accompanied by addiction. Being close to someone who is an addict
can be a turbulent and harrowing experience. Their behaviour may be erratic,
they might try to force you to help them get their fix and they certainly will
not be in a position to offer love, support or even make basic considerations
of a partner when they are barely able to consider their own needs outside of
feeding their addiction. For the partners of those suffering from addiction it
can seem like the ultimate betrayal to walk away from them when they are, in
essence, in the midst of a disease, but it is important to consider your own
well-being and recognize that being close to them can sometimes mean becoming
an enabler. The best thing you can do is take a step back and look for professional
recovery programs to help.
Do you
feel confident?
If your
partner ridicules you, calls you names, humiliates you or constantly reminds
you of your shortcomings then there is a strong possibility that they are
trying to diminish your self esteem. Making you feel less of a person not only
makes them feel powerful but it makes you feel as though you are lucky to have
them - or even that you need them
to get by. This goes hand in hand with isolation techniques and you may find
that they also try to mock your ambitions and go out of their way to foil any
attempts you make at independent success. In a healthy relationship partners
should encourage each other to strive to better themselves. An abuser will
strive to make you feel less than what you are in order to keep control over
you. They do not want you to be confident, assertive or successful - they want
you to be submissive towards them.
Are you in
control of your life?
Do you
feel like you control your own life and are your own person or are you merely
an extension of your partner? Are you able to make your own life choices or do
you need to ask for permission? As we have seen, abusers use many of the
techniques above in an attempt to control their partners, so if you feel out of
control and unable to steer your own life then there are clearly issues in the
relationship.
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